Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
