I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All I want is dick and wine.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
