So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
