Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
