btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
