he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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