I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
