the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
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I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.