I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
