I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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