you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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