I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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