tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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