I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
