This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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