so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
