White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
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i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
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Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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