If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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