so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
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Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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