Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
