I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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