Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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