just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
