i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
