I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
