I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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