She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
