My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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