Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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