peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
