I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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