tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
