you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
