a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
