my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
