Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
