i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
