I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
