today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
