I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
