At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
