Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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