There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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