did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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