Define "chronic" masturbator.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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