The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
