I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.