Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
