sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
