if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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