Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
