I wish I could teleport
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
