Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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