I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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