the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
