What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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