there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
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Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
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God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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