I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
