The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
