How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
